Ill mind, healthy body

For the first time in about 8 years my body isn’t underweight, and I have a period now.
I realize that most people would be pleased with this, but I am in no way happy about having a healthy body again.
I feel so uncomfortable every single minute. I can feel that I have a pooch in my stomach, I can squeeze my thighs, my ass jiggles when I hit it, I have BREASTS. What?!
My mind is in no way healthy though, the eating disorder is actually raging violently at the moment. I’m constantly thinking about how I’ll avoid food, how long I’ll exersize, how long I can take out of my homework to run laps. Oh, and the fact that I am now the fattest I’ve been in really long time. “skinny-fat” I think would be the good term. I look small, but I’m fucking fat. Except, I don’t really see the small in me, I feel massive.

I’m thinking about eating only fruit this week. I think it’ll give me a good feeling of control, since lately I’ve been feeling all over the place food-wise. Sure, what I eat is always fat free. But that does not mean calorie free. These calories are overtaking my mind, all day I calculate and re-calculate to make sure that I added them up properly. And even then, I am positive I missed something.

I’m not really sure what to do anymore. Outpatient gave me a small grip of health, but now I’m going right back into the disorder head-on. The strange part is that I’m welcoming the sickness with open arms.